I wrote this one earlier in the year for Sudio Thirty Plus – I found today after shopping for sensible foods, it still applies. Enjoy:
The husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years, since we were thirteen years old. We’ve had ups and downs, and three kids. Over the years our weight has also had ups and downs. Unfortunately, we have lately had more ups than downs. We tried the devil incarnate program called P90X. We started with workout day one and decided to go the full day. It didn’t end well for me. A trip to the ER because of a workout is frowned on, in my book. We quickly realized that this particular workout regime was for people who regularly worked out.
After weeks of healing, we tried a 30-day trial period at a local gym. With machines I still don’t know the names of and the sweaty, chiseled blondes that sprinted past me with arms puffed up like a puffer fish while their ponytail swayed tauntingly. I could hear it mocking me as its owner passed. ‘Like, OMG Becky, did you see that whale of a girl sweating profusely while walking 1.2 miles per hour. Pffft. As if.’ *eye roll* (yes, her ponytail had eyes, obviously)
Feeling much like a fish out of water or a whale on a sandy beach, I decided I should reevaluate our food intake as well as trying to figure out the large machinery in the gym. We thought it would be best to cut out richer foods, switch to leaner meats, chicken and turkey rather than beef, raw veggies, and more whole, organic foods. All the doctors of the world seem to condone this type of diet. We head out in search of these foods, excited that we’re making such a positive change in our already budgeted grocery run. Evidently, if one wants to eat healthy, lean, and whole you have to be a freaking millionaire or at least be able to budget $300 a week for groceries. It was then, at the ridiculous prices of the food that’s great for you that I realized America’s problem. We’re the fattest country because good for you food cost not only your arm and leg but your first born as well. Or, you have to take turns eating. “Sorry kids, there’s no dinner tonight, Dad made a sandwich.”
Can anyone explain to me why fresh food costs five times more than a bag of processed Cheetos? I mean, it’s a plant. It grows in the dirt. You go outside and pick it. You put it in a basket and take it to a market and voila! It’s a squash, people. And if the posted sign is correct and all of it is community grown, it didn’t have to be shipped or trucked – you just had to drive it down the road. That’s it.
Now my mind wonders to the crazy side of the spectrum and I begin to think that this whole ‘fattest country ever’ thing is a conspiracy to fuel the pockets of the doctors, gyms, diet plans, and insurance companies of the world. ‘They’ don’t want us to lose weight and get fit; ‘they’ want us to stay sloth-like and eat cheaper junk food and visit the doctor every month for our failing health due to our excessively gargantuan backsides. Fat Fucking Fail America.