It’s getting heavy, y’all.

After deep diving into the depths of my soul, I felt I needed air.  However, it’s rainy and gross so instead I needed hours of watching silly movies that only I would ever want to watch.  Mary Poppins wasn’t an utter disappointment, after all.  Puddin’? Punkin? Dumplin? I don’t know…but it was a cute little movie with Jennifer Anniston as an insufferable mom and it had a sweet message though I cried too many times than I’d like to admit.

The last movie I watched was Up in the air with Anna Kendrick and George Clooney.  I remember the previews but never gave it another thought.  It was near the bottom of a long list of movie suggestions on my Netflix and I decided to give it a go.  It started kind of slow in a way that I wondered if I’d nod off before I finished it, but it was just whitty enough to keep me engaged.  The synopsis is that he travels nearly all year with his company who is hired to fire people.  Ironical.  He loves to travel and hates to be “grounded”.  I suspect it’s because his home is in Omaha and nothing ever sounds fun coming from Omaha, but I digress.  Insert Anna Kendrick and she’s a young and uber eager girl who jumps in feet first only to realize the job is pretty damn depressing.  I mean seriously, you walk in to fire people at a company and they don’t even know you.  Screw that.

Part of the job Clooney’s character loves is public speaking.  It’s here that he asks the audience to figuratively, in their mind’s eye, start going through their home and put into a backpack all the crap in their homes.  Start with the things on the shelves, then move to the bigger things like clothes, and on to the even bigger things like couches and cars and the actual house itself, he says.  Then imagine picking up that backpack and lugging it with you when you go to walk away.  Laughter breaks out in the crowd because of course, no one can walk with that load of shit on their backs.  He then challenges people to start taking out the things that really don’t matter in their day to day life and learn how to unpack and repack this backpack with purpose.  All the while the movie follows him firing people who were lifers at their company, engaging in a relationship he didn’t think he could have, and we see him evaluating his own “backpack”.  I’m not going to say much more cause you’re probably one of the millions who looked at the previews and didn’t bother to see it, but I think this is an egregious mistake and you should give it a go.  It’s thought-provoking and real and it resonates to the deepest depths of someone’s life.  Truly.

My backpack is full of a lot of useless shit and I really need to start evaluating what I’ve decided to pack into it.  I’ve been battling with myself and my ever present depression and a friend recently asked me how that was the case since I had a job, kids, husband, car, home, health, etc. and I was really taken aback.  Just because I have all of these things doesn’t mean I’m not susceptible to depression.  It doesn’t mean that it ‘skips’ me.  It’s like that one asshole you inevitably run into when you say you’re tired and they want to argue that they are more tired than you are.  People fail to realize just because they are going through some tough shit they don’t own the monopoly of shitty situations, other people have their own problems and their own rights to feel a certain kind of way about them.  A lot of people are lugging around really heavy backpacks that they don’t realize they need to unpack and evaluate.  My backpack is heavy, y’all. Too fucking heavy.  It’s time to unload.  Baby steps, though, because I don’t want to throw out my good mascara.


This year has been one for the records, and no doubt it will go down in history for its insanity and its unease.  It started off as any other year before it has.  We rang in the New Year hopeful for what was to come, closing doors on what has been.  Glasses were clinked, toasts were given and resolutions were made, mostly in haste as resolutions usually are.  I don’t think even fortune tellers could have foreseen the unfolding of 2020.

I am an Executive Assistant for a medium-to-large company.  I love what I do because I love the organization that it needs, and I am nothing if not organized.  I’m good at it, after all, I’m a wife and a mother of three.  I make sense of chaos.  It’s more social of a career than I thought I would have, but I love it despite that.

It was late February when the news started imploring our attention on this strange little virus that has been floating from continent to continent.  We watched with concern, but we didn’t grasp the reality that was coming.  The words Global Pandemic started to flow and with it the worry and angst that consumed most all humans.  On March 13th, we decided to follow the orders and shut our offices down and setup everyone who could be with virtual offices.  It was worrisome and chaotic, but it was a precaution in this unknown time.  Our executives made a great decision and led us with such care that I’ll never be able to thank them enough.  With Mr. Medic on the front lines of this terrible virus, I knew too well how serious it really was and having kind, understanding leadership in a time like this was something I didn’t see coming.  I’ll forever be grateful to them.

It’s now mid-October and our numbers here in GA continue to be at or over what they were when we decided to close the state so our office remains mostly remote despite our state throwing caution to the wind and opening up several months ago.  Seven months into this pandemic, all the while working from home with the exception of a day a week, and I have become a very different person.  I’d love to say I have gained insight, welcomed new challenges, or made better decisions for myself.  Alas, I have not.  In fact, I have found that I am far more comfortable in my home working diligently alone.  For someone who isn’t social, this has become a very eye-opening time.  I am finding life alone both reassuring and frightening in equal measure.

I’ve found solitude has started to break me in ways I never saw coming.  I closed myself into my own little bubble under the name of “sheltering-in-place”, but I have altered myself, inevitably, for the worse.  The idea of “going out” or entering the world again spreads an anxiety I haven’t yet felt despite the last 20 years of my life living with anxiety and depression.  This is different.  This is raw and carnal. This is a fear I can’t afford to have. 

This new fear has caused quite a few fights between Mr. Medic and I and it seems I am not responding logically and, in truth, I find that I am very nearly unable to find logic and reason at all even when I beg it to come.  We’ve entered our 40s and our children are all of adult age.  This is a time we should be living life to the fullest and traveling, and I’m finding it difficult to simply take a shower some days.  I acknowledge this change inside me and I want to fix it desperately.   I’m going to go dive in deep and figure this shit out because I refuse for 2020 to rob me of any more time.