There is nothing permanent except change…

There is nothing permanent except change….or so they saying goes.  If you google clever phrases about change you’ll be met with an excess of life is all about change and ‘be the change you want to see’ and blah blah blah.  I hate change.  I know those clever sayings talk ridiculously about how progress is impossible without change and if there’s no struggle, there’s no progress.  I mean, really?  Who wrote that shit?  No one wants to set out and struggle.  Yes, change is often inevitable, but why does it have to be such a struggle?  Why does it have to be awkward?

I recently had to deal with change.  I started a new job in a new industry with a new company and it’s been 45 days, so far.  The first two weeks made me reconsider my entire decision to leave the company with whom I had been employed for the last 15 years.  I was comfortable in that job.  I knew that job.  I knew the people at that job.  I was safe.  I could easily speak my mind without fear of termination because those were my people and they got me.  As with anything new, I lost all sense of security, comfort, and a little of my own self as I had to dial it back until I learned these new folks.  Two weeks in and I was ready to throw in the towel.  While I liked my bosses and most of the work I was doing, I didn’t think I’d ever catch on to a very different aspect of my new job that I had never done before.  Also, I was super fucking tired of being referred to as “the New *insert the chicks name who I replaced*” – we’ll call her Suzy.  So it was a lot of ‘Hey Mr. Joe, this is Linda, the new Suzy’.  I’m all like, *no, Mr. Joe, this is Linda, like in Linda, not Suzy*.  I felt that just set me up for failure.  I didn’t know Suzy, she was gone before I started in that position, but yet I was supposed to be the new one who would – what? be just like her with a different name?  Nope.  Not even close, people.

Enter weeks three and four and I was beginning to catch on to the unfamiliar part of my job and while I still didn’t know anyone in the company except my bosses and two people, I was loving my new job.  Today, I am at week 6 and while I still love what I do and most of who I do it for, I’m back to being wary of my decision.  I feel like I’m catching on quickly, but I also feel like there’s a huge sign on my back that says ‘let’s watch this one and see how long she lasts’.  I really think I’m being tested by my coworkers and one of my bosses.  I truly believe they are giving me things and ‘advice’ to see if they can mold me to their will.  Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I really don’t think I am.  I feel like I’m being tested in ways I cannot study for and ways I’ll never see coming – or so they think.  I tried real hard to put on a friendly face.  I tried real hard to be compliant and helpful.  I tried even harder not to cuss.  So basically, you know, I tried to change myself in order to keep the damn job.  I know me.  I know how outspoken I can be, I know how opinionated and passionate I can be and sometimes *wink, wink*, that comes across bitchy – I get it.  This is all why I’ve been putting on a front and trying to be the perfect new employee – well, that and I needed to sit back and see the enormous clicks that live in offices such as these.

With all the tests, all the pulling in different directions, I’ve been biting my tongue and going with the flow, but I refuse to enter into another situation of being taken advantage of, I refuse to be that scapegoat.

So, long story short – as I enter into the second month at this new company, the mask comes off.  No longer will I pretend to be the ‘nod and smile’ employee, no longer will there be eggshells under my feet, and no longer will I participate in the stupid ass tests these bitches want to give me.  It’s me y’all.  Take it or leave it.

Changes…? Yep, I’m a changin’.  I guess that saying is right after all.

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Hooyah – it’s going to be OK

On December 6, 2016 I said “see you later” to my sweet, wonderful, brave son as he left our home to venture off to Navy boot camp, the first step of his new career that will take him to the ends of the earth and back.  To date, this was the single hardest thing I have ever done as a mother.

We raise our young in hopes that when the time comes they will leave our little nest and soar with open wings as far as their heart is content, but I don’t think we ever really consider the excruciating void that comes with that.  We never consider what we will feel when that time comes…not really.  I remember thinking how proud I would feel, how excited I would feel, and how thankful I would fell.  I did and still do feel all of those things, but I am devastated that 19 years flew by so damn quickly.

Our family still has the four of us, me, Mr. Medic, The Little and the Middle, but it sure does feel like an empty house without The Sailor.  I miss him so much that it physically hurts me.  It pains me in a way I never knew I could hurt.  He called us that night just about midnight and it was the dreaded ‘scripted’ call.  Anyone who’s had any calls from navy boot camp, knows that awful call.  I remember it as if I’ve just hung up the phone with him.

The Sailor: “Hey Mom.  I’ve made it.  I’m safe and ok.  I’ll call you soon.  In 10 days you’ll receive a letter with my information in it.”

*Pause to swallow back the tears*

Me: “Hey son, I miss you already and I love you so much, will the letter give me your addre..”

The Sailor:  “I’m safe and ok.  In 10 days you’ll receive a letter with my information in it.”

There was about 2 seconds of silence and he whispers, my wonderfully brave son…

The Sailor *whispering*: “I love you mom”

Me *whispering like an idiot since they can’t hear me from my living room*: “I love you, too!  Can you talk?  I mean is it ok?”

The Sailor: “Well…I’m not technically supposed to, but…I love you, mom and I’m ok, I promise.”

Me: “Are you going to be ok?”

The Sailor: “I’m fine, mom.  It’s all ok.”

Somewhere the RDC has circled back and I hear him tell The Sailor what to say and he does, then we hang up.  I cry for what seems like an eternity, but then I laugh and that lasts even longer.  My sweet, by the book son has rebelled from the robot speech to let me know he’s got this.

The journey has been interesting so far, to say the least.  Stay tuned as I try to update this little venture of ours as often as possible.